 It turns out cassowaries have been domesticated—as guard-fowl. I figure some brave soul grabbed one of the GIANT LUMINOUS NEON MARKER GREEN eggs (the colour of "do not fuck with me for I am deadly" in nature) and ran away with it. Then it hatched, and they fed the giant murder chicken that kept following them around. <supervillain> 46 comments
@cstross I feel this is something I either *should* or *shouldn't* share with one of my RPG groups. Facts:  @cstross @Steveg58 That's blocked in the UK and EU due to GDPR regs making the amount of spyware they want to slap on their site illegal.  @cstross @Steveg58 The owner was a breeder of the rare bird that is native to Australia and New Guinea, Alachua County Deputy Fire Chief Jeff Taylor said. The death was an accident, officials said. It appears the man fell, and the cassowary attacked him after the fall, Taylor said. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission considers cassowaries Class II wildlife, meaning they pose a danger to humans and are subject to specific cage requirements.  @cstross @Steveg58 Well, I can open it with lynx (which of course does not run any javascript so it's not useful for spyware) from France.  @Uilebheist @cstross @Steveg58 https://archive.is/uqLpg You have to wait for the bird to load, but here’s the safer archive page.  Island Minion: Sir, we've been unable to acquire sufficient Velociraptor DNA from amber for the new inland jungle patrol project and our consultants say they're the size of beagles. Villain: Well, that is a disappointment. The CIA agents would just kick them to death. Is that what you're telling me? Minion: Sorry, sir. Villain: Well, find me the modern equivalent, something we can get our hands on. Eleven Casowary generations later...  @cstross kidding aside I think there might be an offhand reference to guard-cassowaries in Austin Grossman's Soon I Will Be Invincible. (Or that might be holdover from this morning's dreams. It's early, here.) @cstross Sure, at first the giant murder chickens are only for supervillains. But then they become commonplace, and next thing you know, there are mall cassowaries everywhere, moodily stalking through the aisles at Sephora and H&M, clawed feet scuffing on the industrial nylon carpeting. And sure, the occasional chihuahua or toddler goes missing from time to time, but shoplifting’s down 85%, and that’s really all that the bosses and the shareholders care about … When I was a boy, we had a giant murder chicken on our farm. A solid white rooster named Whitey. One day, he attacked my sister and she hit him with a board and killed him. She walked into the house, carrying his body, sobbing to our mother that she killed Whitey. Tears everywhere. And then blood and feathers everywhere as Whitey woke up and attacked. We were all running around frantically, trying to get him out of the house. All should fear the giant murder chickens. There's an XKCD for everything 😜 Whitey was such a big, mean rooster with nasty spurs that I'm unsure I'd bet against him with that ostrich! 🐓 The nice thing about them is that they are more entry-level and low maintenance than most of your supervillian lair creatures. I mean sharks require tanks and various aquatic adaptations to your lair, bears require constant baiting, and so on. Cassowaries are only a few thousand dollars and a reinforced chicken coop. Great for the budget minded supervillian.  It quickly gets out of hand. I was on a flight last week where a passenger was arguing loudly with a flight attendant about whether the one she brought on board really was an "emotional support animal".  @pikesley Bright green eggs and a TOTAL lack of protection, just lying around on the forest floor, broadcasting the message "if you mess with me YOU WILL DIE (and it will hurt all the time you're dying)" @cstross I don't know enough about cassowaries to tell if that is a bad idea or a REALLY bad idea. But if their social structure is anything like chickens... the only way to become the king is to kill (or subdue) the king.  @cstross Now picturing them with support squads of Canadian murder chickens.  @cstross certainly, if a giant murder chicken were following me around, I would make sure to feed it regularly, lest it prey on me! @donkeyherder @cstross @davecb Canadian geese are no joke! It's amazing how nasty they are. There's a reason we call them "murder-birds" here in the Midwest US.  @donkeyherder @cstross a chicken in every pot is OK, but One Velociraptor Per Child is better. (Why yes, I do have an authentic original-edition OVPC t-shirt. It got... interesting commentary from parents when I explained what it was about.) @donkeyherder @cstross coming into the thread at this point without context, one would think that orphaned female assassins really need a family support network  @donkeyherder @cstross I already do that on discord and Tumblr! Oh wait you mean, like, birds... Mine are mostly catgirls. Although if a cassowarygirl shows up, my money is on her. Cats are deadly murder machines, sure, but cassowaries have the size advantage.  @cstross We should encourage Zuckerberg to adopt these creatures and return him to the soil as is Nature's way. @cstross but have you considered ROBOT murder chicken? |
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@cstross Yay for pet dinosaurs!