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Another Angry Woman

imitation seawater (too long to fully alt-text, screenreader users can enjoy the whole thing here: elodieunderglass.tumblr.com/po )

cerinthescarietpescatarian: “X bodily fluid is just filtered blood!” buddy | hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood). . derinthescarletpescatarian: “Okay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicated” well buddy, that’s because your blood is imitation seawater. See? It's very simple. ‘ badwificonnection: Blood is what now? derinthescarletpescatarian: It's imitation seawater what part is confusing badwificonnection [math lady meme]
derinthescarletpescatarian: #are you telling me#humans are just sentient aquariums? Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital. Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces. badwificonnection: #the inside of your intestine is outside of you #just like the inside of your lungs and stomach #although the mucuses and stomach acids are partly made of filtered blood | auess Thank you that’s...very disturbing derinthescarletpescatarian: It’s not my fault you’re human. apatheticshipwreck: Ok but “It’s not my fault you’re human.” Is the best comeback ever. derinthescarletpescatarian: You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
' derinthescarletpescatarian: #/blood is imitation seawater/ is the part that’s confusing Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. “Wow;” you think, metaphorically, “it sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs | can have. Good thing I have all this water around me that's the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so | don't explode or shrivel up) so | can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.” “Wait a minute;” you say a couple of generations later, because you're not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, “instead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about | put it in tubes? | can keep MY water separate from the rest of the world’s water! Anything | want to keep goes in my water! Anything | don’t, | dump back into the outside water! I'm a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process that's a GENIUS!” “Wow,” you think a great many generations later, “being able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is S0 great.
Ea elodieunderglass Follow Well, there’s another few steps, of course. Because at some point, operating along lines of logic that worked out perfectly so far, you did decide to be a mammal. Amammal is a machine for adapting to Circumstances. A mammal is atremendously resilient all-terrain life-support system, with built-in heating, cooling, respiration, and incubators for reproduction. Mammals internalise everything (grudges, eggs) and furthermore are excessively, flamboyantly wet internally. Sure, everyone’s a bag of chemicals; but mammals sfosh. Mammals took the concept of an internal ocean and took it in an unnecessarily splashy direction, added aftermarket mods and a climate-control system, and just to show off, you leaned across the metaphorical gambling table and said: “my internal ocean is so good- *“Bullshit,” said the shark, keeping it salty (ha) “My internal ocean is so brilliantly resilient, more so than any of YOURS;” you said, holding their attention with a digit held aloft, “that for my next trick, | shall artistically recreate the ballad of evolution as a performance. | shall craft a complex chemical ballet depicting the origin of multicellular life - using some of my own material, of course-” “Oh, ANYONE can lay an egg,” yodel the fish, and the ray adds: “ontogeny does NOT recapitulate phylogeny!” And you're like, “yeah no, it’s an artistic rendition, not a literal thing. Basically P'm going to take some cells and brew them up-" “Like an egg.”
6 Dec 2022 at 11:22 | Open on masto.ai
745 comments
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what the hell is in your mouth

queencatradora: i went to the dentist today and my dentist honest to god said “can i ask you a question...__. what the hell is in your mouth” " lesbianwisdom: ?? Was it bad or good? What did you say? it was in awe Imao then the hygienist and assistant all came over to look too and they were like “wooooow” and my ass was sitting there like [gif of person with tripping eyes]
uueencatradora oh my god i posted this and then went to work, and [series of screenshots of replies] kanetamarion: What was it tho i m-just-gay-and-depressed ‘ Ok but What WAs in your mouth? kavisilence : so what was in your mouth that could have invoked that response like was your tooth just creating a wormhole in your mouth or what starryeyedwonder said What's in your mouth??? Why did they ask that???? story time okay so to preface this, my hometown where i'm originally from is a really fucking weird place. like from the outside it seems like a normal suburban town, but once you're there for awhile you get the feeling that's something’s not....quite all together. a lot of people are really fucking weird there — so much S0 that that was a running joke in school growing up, that people in the town were just like that. everyone knew not to go out to the farm lands surrounding the town especially at night, we called it “the cuts” and people used to disappear out there all the time or get shot at by the especially weird people that would live out there. the news was and still is truly a thing of horror. every time i come back i'm regaled with even more stories of crazy shit that has happened there.
to put it in perspective we generally never had “normal crime” like robbery or anything like that when i lived there, though that did happen sometimes. the news stories were always like, “a kid was kidnapped by local residents and tortured in a house around the corner,” “a random person was chased down and shot for sport in a really nice neighborhood.” “someone was gored to death by a bull while out car shopping,” etc. (these are all real, btw). everyone does drugs and the whole town is located really close to a government site where they test nuclear weapons and chemicals and shit.this is how i grew up, in this bizarre environment i only say this 0 you know that this town is where i got my orthodontics from. all the kids in my town went to this one particular orthodontist. i also used to go to a dentist in town that a lot of people went to as well. i had a permanent retainer put on my bottom teeth after braces and no one had ever said anything to me about the model of retainer itself or it being weird type of retainer at all. i saw a ton of other people (mostly other kids that were my age at the time) that had the same type of retainer as me too o i never thought about it however i went to a dentist for the first time in a metropolitan area now, and when he saw itin my mouth his literal first reaction was to say “uh can i ask you a question... what the hellis that" LITERALLY the words that he said
which in hindsight makes almost too much sense. of course my town of all towns would put these weird unnecessary contraptions in kids' mouths, and of course it happened so much that everyone just thought it was normal. that sounds exactly, to a T, like my hometown my permanent bottom retainer is apparently this prototype thatis so rare that he's literally never seen it before in his lfe, not in dental school, nowhere. its not that its an outdated type, its just rare as fuck. they were stil staring at pictures of it on my chart in wonder when i leftthe office. S0 just know somewhere out there, in a weird ass suburban town where they test nuclear weapons and a good portion of the residents go fucking nuts, there’s probably hundreds of people stil walking around with this same coniraption in their mouth that exists nowhere else in the world thinking, “yeah, that's cool. that makes sense. let me go drink the definitely not-contaminated water now and never move away from here.” bleachtrippin: This sounds lie an X-files episode
6 Dec 2022 at 12:21 | Open on masto.ai
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how to summon a concerned lesbian

i just walked past the apartment beneath mine and through an open window i could hear my downstairs neighbor crying faintly while the song jolene played in the background and im just like.... bitch are you okay...? 1 actually ended up going back downstairs to check on her and brought some leftover cookies | baked this afternoon. she’s very sweet and going through a Breakup Mood™ after being cheated on. she's coming over to my gf and I's annual bad movie night on Friday and she even let me pet her cat named Clarence my gf thinks its funny but very fiting that our downstairs neighbor was able to summon a concerned lesbian just by playing jolene while crying about being done dirty by a man
7 Dec 2022 at 12:13 | Open on masto.ai
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when peace comes at last, children play on the old battlefields and don't think of what came before them

sytherenne: [screnshot] While this show has some SERIOUS '90s vibes, it's not bad! | absolutely see the appeal. | love that it's about girls finding their inner strength, kicking ass, and defeating evil. Out of all the reboots that have happened, I'm surprised that this hasn't been touched yet. | still don't know why Spike and Angel seem like older men compared to Buffy, but | guess people were into it? But also — was there ever a Team Spike or Team Angel like Team Edward/Jacob LET ME KNOW. I can't believe | had to read this sentence in a buzzfeed thing about BtVS with ‘my own goddamn eyes how is it possible this has slipped from the mind of the collective conscious, people died in this conflict, know your fandom history jeeze etraytin: It's the way of all wars. When peace comes at last, children play on the old battlefields and don't think of what came before them.
7 Dec 2022 at 12:22 | Open on masto.ai
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can't believe i didn't realise i was gay right then

vampireapologist actually when | was in 8th grade and obsessed with twilight my master plan as. a twilight vampire was to sit around in famous shipwrecks like the super deep ones where they can only send robots with cameras from their submarines and when they sent one down i be sitting there, pretending to drink out of an old tea cup you know for the drama of it all and the guys in the submarine would know what they saw and that it was real footage but who else would believe them? no one important. but it didn't stop there. at the next party they threw to celebrate one of their latest finds, some museum-y banquet idk | was 13, | was going to show up. | was going to show up and make eye contact with them one at a time from across the room and they were going to lose their goddamn minds and then before the volturi could catch wind i was gonna be back in the ocean. how could they find me? the drama. the theatrics. i can't believe i didn't realize i was gay right then but that's another story, also involving vampires, wuackamole hate to burst your fantasy, but 1) vampires don't show up in film 2) vampires can't cross moving water much less sit at the bottom of the ocean ; vampireapologist You've got me a in a difficult position here because on the one hand, this post is specifically about vampire lore in Twilight, so you're wrong, but on the other hand, saying *you clearly didn't read twiight" doesn't exactly make you look like the bad guy here
8 Dec 2022 at 11:51 | Open on masto.ai
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the ideological opposite of a catgirl

prokopetz: Prompt: the ideological opposite of a catgirl. z-nogyrop: So, a catgirl is a human woman who has taken on certain traits of the cat, which is a housepet known for its temperament - it is affectionate when it chooses to be, but it must choose to be. the appeal of the catgirl is the implication that the woman has decided, much like a cat, that the viewer is worthy of affection. thus the ideological opposite would be a feral creature that is known for being tame except for when it is provoked. countless examples of this exist in nature, so to narrow our options we will select one which is generally considered “scary” as a parallel to the “cute” cat, as is also as far away as viable from a cat. as an extremely social invertebrate, compared to the relatively solitary and spined nature of the housecat, i believe the hornet is the perfect choice; despite popular belief hornets are not aggressive unless and until they are given a reason to be.
then there is the fusion of cat and girl. the catgirl takes the “cutest” and most traditional elements of the cat - ears, tail, and whiskers - and assembles them onto the girl. thus, our inverted catgirl ought to take the most disturbing and detestable elements of the human and assemble them onto the hornet. for this exercise i will propose the. spine (deformed due to our bipedal nature compared to most creatures), the chin (a structure that no other animal possesses), and the penis (for obvious reasons). thus, we can safely conclude that the ideological opposite of the catgirl is [picture of the bee from bee movie] prokopetz: Take your prize and get out of my house.
9 Dec 2022 at 12:19 | Open on masto.ai
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understanding a newspaper political cartoon

Food pyramid with every category set to pussy. Stick men cartoon "And just let him fucking die?" Pointing at pic of DJ Khaled
Close up photo of Obama's eyes -this post isn't written in any known human language -is this what understanding a newspaper political cartoon is like?
10 Dec 2022 at 12:42 | Open on masto.ai
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fingers in his ass sunday

fingers in ass Sunday you know what day ir is addicted to fingers in his ass Sunday [Salute screenshot] See you on the other side, true heroes
11 Dec 2022 at 21:45 | Open on masto.ai
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ways to look more angelic

stargogh: ways to look more angelic: « carry flowers everywhere « pink or gold eye shadow + wearlong ankle dresses + soft humming + have a pink glowy blush: ishtarelisheba. + wield a flaming sword we-aim-to-misbehave + Be covered in eyes
garaviel: three pairs of wings wellpardonme: Wheel princettior: announce your arrival by screaming “FEAR NOT" everywhere you og
12 Dec 2022 at 10:59 | Open on masto.ai
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if you go knocking on enough doors asking to see the devil, eventually he may answer

-Alex Jones is literally female coded because of his hysteria. But whatever -OP I know this is a joke nut just remember that if you go knocking on enough doors asking to see the devil, eventually he may answer
13 Dec 2022 at 11:24 | Open on masto.ai
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exceeding all expectations

Text chat screenshots: -are you ready to see a flier that's everywhere at my school -if ur prefacing it fuck yeah I am [Poster advertising the vagina monologues with 90s rad-stylr background and a picture of the bee from bee movie saying "ya like vag"] I wasn't ready forbiddenseason: I'm exceeding all expectations
13 Dec 2022 at 11:45 | Open on masto.ai
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the emperor's new clothes but in reverse

I own a bad dragon hoodie just so I can wear it in public and nobody can say anything without admitting that they know what it is The emperor's new clothes but in reverse. Nobody can acknowledge my clothing without embarrassing themselves as well
13 Dec 2022 at 17:17 | Open on masto.ai
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studying for the bechdel test

i'm studying for the bechdel test but my teacher isn't very good and he isn't helping at all Fuck
13 Dec 2022 at 17:22 | Open on masto.ai
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new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks

i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream avantgaye: you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said *i have 5 kids” witchraft-with-space-bean: I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. | asked her why, and she shrugged and said I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again. anais-ninja-blog: new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks Katjohnadams: Actual conversation | had at register: “Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can | get you, today?” “How much s it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”
“I- Im sorry?” “A venti cup. How much to fil it with Espresso?” “Oh. uh. Well, it'd be | suppose... | only have a button for a Quad. | dort have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single... drink> “Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?” *deep breath of fear* *It'd be a quad with;* “clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, | should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them- “Taste means nothing to me=” At this point | am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being. “Oh. Well, okay.” | put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that | must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be She begins to pay, | shit thee not, with golden Sacajawea dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, Iam sure of it. “Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?” My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma‘am> “How many can | add?” Futile though it s, at least | know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.” “One then.”
I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. | write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was ... not something to be spoken aloud. My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No> My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Mastrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. Ourvisiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup. Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and | was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that. When | talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about *The Company” as if we'd never left, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when | share this story, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, “Yeah, I had one like that.”
14 Dec 2022 at 11:39 | Open on masto.ai
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