@darius Bog body (expert difficulty)

@darius best i could ever do is a "beached body" according to my doctor.

@darius i need more specific instructions. how much salt do i need to consume?

@darius i think that's painting an unrealistic body expectation. earth is 70% water and only like 1% sand and i think that's fine for us too. strive to be covered in soils and plants instead

@darius 1) be me 2) QED

@darius Misread instructions, replaced 30% with salt, now nobody wants to play UNO with me anymore. 3/10.

@darius thought sand was a typo. Rolled around in the snow, and didn’t get a beach body. Directions still unclear.

@darius 😂

@darius So when they say "pound sand" they mean chug it?

@darius Silly me. I thought having a beach body would involve a kidnapping

@darius And for extra realism, shriek like a seagull at random intervals.

@darius I've done the science on this. It checks out.

@darius if I put myself in the freezer I'm ready for winter too.

@darius lol

@darius no man is an island, but you could become 20-30% island

and then if you take naked pictures of yourself in this form, these are gonna be sand nudes

@darius 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

@darius
you also need to place a heart-shaped locket underneath your ribs...

@darius I'm male, pregnant and 40 does that matter?

@darius finally a twitter quality insight

@darius or: 1. Have a body, 2. Go to the beach

@darius
I thought beach sandals were enough, but it seems it has to be all sand after all.

@darius I think you might need some salt

@darius
Or, much easier: You have a body, go to the beach.

@darius
If it a British Beach expect lots of sewage in your environs.

@darius A lot of beach sand is biological in origin so mission accomplished.

@darius technically silicon is sand, so... water cooled cyborg?

@darius Ha, ha, ha.

@darius this is the quality content i love about our instance

@darius or marry one? ha ha

Thanks for the laugh! (Actually startled the lovely person across the table...) @darius

@darius
3. Drape kelp over shoulders

@darius well the brain does become glass if you cook it hot enough

@darius How to have a beach body:
* Have ten legs
* Hard shell
* Be grabby

@darius

Oh man, you made me choke on my own spit.

@darius

That literal, huh? Muddy flesh is unfortunately NOT in my bucket list 😤

@darius Supporting the Russian Military Compost Dept.Aka..UKRAINE FERTILIZER… Decaying Russian bodies help plants grow and be released back to mother earth... 1. Nitrogen makes up 3.4 percent of human body.... 2. Phosphorus is 1.3 percent and 3. Potassium...on average there is 135 grams of potassium-potash in the human body and all given back to nature, thus so beautiful, we have the cycle of life, in Ukraine.

@darius hahaha

@darius 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@darius I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere.

@darius I'm going to opt to replace sand with salt, in which case bring on the bacon, cheese, and holiday ham

@darius hahahahaha!! They call me the Sandman!!

@darius Good tip. Soon I will be host to a rich microbiome of burrowing bivalves, seaweed and wading birds.

@darius Then go fight Spider-Man.

@darius
UK input - a small percentage of boiled egg sandwiches.

@darius I enjoyed this laugh!!!

@darius @HollyGoDarkly But what if I don’t like sand because it’s rough and coarse and it gets everywhere?

@darius 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@darius @PeoriaBummer Just don’t get crabs

@darius :blobcatfluffevil:

@darius is that just mummification minus the bandages?

@darius @JonBaker You've already got the crabs so...

@darius My name is mud, so …

@darius sound logic!

@darius Working on my beach body. Nearly there.

@darius This approach seem pretty hard to swallow...😂

@darius lol 😂

@darius Also, become a British beach by simply being full of shit.

@darius gotta add a bit of trash and a few plants

@darius Might need to increase my salt intake. (If not now then certainly by June, when I tend to run a bit low on the blood pressure.)

Another experiment with pescatarianism couldn't hurt.

#Beach #Water #Sand #Salt #Pescatarian

@darius a modern day alchemist ✨

@darius Isn't that when we go 7 feet under? 👻

@darius I probably ate enough sand for that when I was a child.

@darius Most of the Beach Boys drunk heavily, took strange substances and barely went to the beach. But all of them had beach bods! It's in their name!

@darius solid reasoning. 10/10, can’t complain.

@darius does this work if I sink myself INTO the sand? 🤣

@darius Very funny!

@darius silicon?

@darius 😂😂 then add some shrimps

@darius the other 30% all comes from the earth anyway so yeah, done

@darius

There was a company that was doing this, then they sued anyone who complained.

@darius Success Kid enters the chat

@darius according to Carl Sagan, we’re made of stardust…so that’s like a sci-fi cosmic beach right there :p

@darius truth be told you're already sort of a limestone beach

@darius Depends upon the beach. Could be rocks and/or mud. Or detritus.

@darius I think we need a crossover between this meme and the "you gave sand anxiety" meme

@darius

@darius wait wait wait… wait… why are you a joke account now? This is a great joke!!!

@darius aesthetically I think this works best if you convert the sand to glass first. Plus, it holds the water better.

@darius did someone say SAND? Yeah baby!

@darius so... Become a Gollum? That's your advice?

@darius I already have a beach body

@darius i have a beach body, greenpeace send 0eople to refloat me.

@darius
How to have a beach body:

1. Have a body
2. Go to the beach

🤷

@darius no thanks. I already have this recurring nightmare where I fall asleep on the beach and am awakened by well meaning "Save the Whales" volunteers yelling "we found one!" as they surround me with a tarp and spray me down with water.

@darius I want claws and a sand proof crack!

@darius

Just take ur body to the beach.