What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI"

What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.

Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now I’m in hospital, waiting to be seen.

Why was it called the dark ages? Because of all the knights.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

What do bees do after they are married? They go on a honeymoon.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza". Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.