asking trans people "if gender isn't real, why do you want to be the other gender so bad" is like asking people "if rent shouldn't exist, why do you want rent control so badly": because we live in a society that violently enforces gender, and that makes it real. asking trans people, and only them, to pretend like gender doesn't matter, while everyone around us keeps hurting us for it, isn't fair. it's like asking tenants to not give a shit about rent while their landlord is trying to evict them.