For Mastodon @Claire had a go at using a bloom filter to restrict the list of instances we broadcast to (https://github.com/mastodon/mastodon/pull/22273), but this requires authenticated fetches for accounts, which prevents HTTP caching of those and might cause performance / scalability issues, and this is not ideal.
@renchap @Claire What if instead of sending the raw actor id in a delete activity you send SHA256(actor id)? The deleted actor id would never be broadcast in the open, mitigating the privacy concern. Instance2 receiving a delete from Instance1 would SHA all its local Instance1 actor ids and if one of them matches, that's the one to delete.